Page 193 - Fernando Sinaga. Ideas K

Structure Has Lost its Function
If I ever feel forced to make any comment on some of the imprecisions voiced in connection with my work, it is to clarify that I do not know why I have done a great deal of the things I have done in my life.
What might be important about a statement that refers to the apparent senselessness of everything real is that, when you dare to make it, you then have no choice but to return to the only thing you have left, events as symptoms of being in itself, as only in them do we find support, even though we know that a correct interpretation of them at the time they occur is almost impossible.That is why I venture to state today that I am not sure if certain events in my life took place owing to external influence or stemmed only from me. This latter statement, in an age where the strength of the context determines any reality, is rather risky and, yet, it is a concern which has not disappeared; on the contrary, it has continued to unsettle my life and made my ignorance of this provenance the most important theme
in my work, as only the passage of time allows us to know something about what has happened for, in my experience, the artist is largely a sleepwalker who should be woken only when his life is in danger.
Doubt and uncertainty have therefore filled much of my existence, more than assurances and certainties, to the point of not knowing how or where to begin, as neither styles nor finds are valuable to me and what I already know is often of no use.
And yet something tells me that I should delve deep, start from other bases. And so I prepare some trip, read, write and wait. It is as if the answer did not come solely from my effort and as if something had to happen around me. A situation full of unrest, suffering and unease where you grope around with the impres- sion that you are about to stumble. At that precise moment the atmosphere is filled with tension and the inner vacuum acts as a drain into which sink the wrong signals and false emotions which upset you, confusing you even more if such a thing is possible. It is disorder tied to the creation of an order. In an instant you lose control of yourself and yet you have to pull
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